One thing I have learned this weekend is how to spend a little time with grief. After our darling cat Sparkles was hit and killed by a car on Friday I spent the day alternating between floods of tears, to being completely matter of fact about the whole thing.
That’s the thing with grief, it takes you on a journey veering between the terror that you will never find a moment of joy and happiness again, through to rationalizing whatever has happened merely as a “terrible accident” or “how could they do that?” which we accept calmly. Until another wave hits us and we’re dragged under again.
In the past whenever sad or tragic things have happened within my family I have always tried to move past it as fast as possible. You know, until it came up and side slammed me in ways that meant I could no longer disregard the sadness I felt and I would have to confront it.
I hate grief.
I hate loss.
But this weekend I made a conscious decision to sit with it. I made a choice to accept that it was okay to be sad. That bursting into tears when I entered my son’s room knowing that I wasn’t going to find my darling grey cat curled up there ever again, was ok. Together my husband and I navigated digging her grave, burying her and having a little service with our children to honour her.
I’ve snuggled with our kids and we’ve laughed and cried together. I’ve been overwhelmed at the kindness and thoughtfulness of others. There were texts, phonecalls, emails and even a beautiful parcel from a friend which I was so grateful for.
Grief is a reminder not only of our current loss, but the ones we’ve endured previously. So I remembered my brother, my auntie, the many friends I’ve lost too soon. I’ve remembered the love and the pain that comes with saying good-bye. This is the gift grief gives us. The memories. Good, bad and otherwise.
In a world where I have been guilty of moving on from things too quickly this weekend has been strangely healing. It wasn’t self indulgent to just be sad. I won’t apologise for my mourning. I think sometimes we need to do less apologizing for our feelings and spend a little more time acknowledging them.
Grief and memories are not something we can ‘delete’ when they make us uncomfortable. This weekend has reminded me of the beautiful balance life and death create. And I am grateful for it.
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37 comments:
Beautiful post Sarah. We too will be dealing with this soon as my MIL has been placed in palliative care. I will come back and reread when I need to. xx
"I think sometimes we need to do less apologizing for our feelings and spend a little more time acknowledging them."
I loved this.
Kirstyx
One of the hard things about losing a pet is that so many people think "Oh a cat, what a shame."
Sparkles was a family member, not just a cat, YOur mourning is appropriate and necessary.
Cranky Old Man
So sorry to hear your poor Sparkles was taken from you so tragically. Your post is beautiful and so very insightful.
You are right too often people stuff their grief as if showing it somehow makes them weak. I am guilty of that very thing, and yet this weekend like you I am allowing myself to grieve the loss of a dear friend.
May our memories comfort us and help us treasure each day.
Lovely post, Sarah. As I read your FB status on Friday, not long after it happened, I was devastated for your family. I can only imagine the grief you felt when you saw What had happened.
To grieve means that you have loved, so you should never need to apologize for feeling...
I'm so sorry for your pain. As I type this, Ollie is next to me and I'm going to give him an extra big hug.
N x
Beautiful words Sarah. And so true. Grief is a very uncomfortable emotion. Hope your happy memories bring you comfort.
So sorry to hear of your loss. I think you are very right in saying that feelings need to be acknowledged, particularly grief. Thinking of you and your family xx
They are far more than 'just pets' aren't they? I was distraught for quite a while whenever one of my dogs have died. They have been unique friends and companions to each family member, unquestioning in their loyalty and generous in their loving. You are right in being honest about your grief. It is better that way.
It IS ok. You are quite right. As long and has hard as it is.... it is what it is and nobody on this green Earth has any right to put a time limit on it for any individual. So I say..... just from experience.
I'm so sorry, again, about the passing of your dear family member. xxxx
poor kitty :-( sorry for your loss
Ahhh I have been thinking of you guys this weekend. I am so glad you've taken the time to wallow ... it's just something that we don't seem to do enough of at all. Others have said it and it is 100% true - losing a pet is losing a family member and just hurts like hell.
I'm so sorry you've lost your Sparkles. It's nice that you had a ceremony for him.
So sorry for your loss...I agree with previous comments, pets are just as much family members. xx
I'm so sorry for your loss. When my dog died I took a couple of days off just to mourn and be sad.
You might find it interesting to learn that in PNG, they have a week of what they call 'haus krai', where people all come and visit your house, and you just sit around and cry. And cry.
Tis so good for the soul. I love that you let it sit.
You are one wise woman. xx
Hugs to you all, pets have such an important place in families, especially for young children (and mamas too) xx
Oh dear, sweet Sarah, I am SO sorry to learn of your loss. What a terrible tragedy. I know from my own experiences with losing beloved pets, it is a horrendous thing to overcome. We also had 2 beautiful cats killed by cars. Just a horrible thing to happen.
But I do love your attitude towards grief. And here, here to not apologising for our feelings. I agree, that often times we all do too much of that and then feel like it's our duty to move on, dust ourselves off and keep a stiff upper lip. You cry and cry hard Sarah, take your time to remember all those things that made Sparkles so special... beautiful name by the way xo
I am so sorry. I dread out SpecialHounds passing. They are truly one of the family. Loss is tough no matter the loss, its so final. I think we need to show our emotions a little more, who said we have to be so tough. Go with topsy turvey feelings you will feel for as long as they keep coming. You will wake feeling better and that all is right in your world. Thinking of you Cheers SpecialK XoXo
That ebb and flow have been very familiar these last two weeks for everyone in my family. You see people be strong and all of a sudden they are awash with tears again. It is such a difficult thing, but I find it is remembering the beauty of the loved one gone that brings the tears, not so much the how to go on. So I can only be grateful for that. Sending you hugs across the city. xx
Whoops I nearly forgot. Thank you so much for your visit and comment I always feel that you leave a sense of encouragement each time you visit. Thank you for that. Cheers SpecialK XoXo
So sorry for your loss. We have a little family member pet area in our back yard. Each one is marked with a little cat with wings statue displaying their names and dates. We put large stones around it to make it pretty and special. My grandson goes out there every now and then to "see" his cat. It seemed to help him ease his grief knowing that she was there. Bless you and your family. HUGS to all.
So Sorry to hear about your loss. I too hate grief but have slowly come to tearms that is a part of life we need to go through.
Your post showed great wisdom.
So sorry about Sparkles. As a cat lover myself and owner of one Felix, I would be devastated if something happened to him. Pets are part of the family.
Sorry for your loss Sarah. Thank you for sharing with us though. Your post was beautifully written. I think I will print it out for future reference as I feel it won't be long and I'll be feeling the same loss.
Sarah I am very sorry for you and your families loss. It is very sad when we lose those close to us, even pets. I feel that it is important to work through and feel your emotions in regards to loss.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat, Sarah.
Someone said to me after my Nan died at the start of the year, "Grief is testament to the importance of a relationship. Grieve well." xxx
I've never lost anyone close to me... and it scares me. I'm hoping I can find a way through it when it happens. Thanks for sharing this.
Lovely post Sarah. Grief is a hard emotion to deal with and we need to know it is okay. So sorry for your loss x
Oh honey, it is so, so sad losing a pet you love. Sitting with your grief is a good thing and when you're ready embrace the living again xx
This is a lovely post - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This comment in particular really moved me: 'I won’t apologise for my mourning. I think sometimes we need to do less apologizing for our feelings and spend a little more time acknowledging them.'
I agree that so often we (especially as women) try to put on a brave face rather than risk really feeling that grief, that dismay.
When my pooch of 14 died, I was terribly upset and took a day off work to grieve. When I returned, my boss told me it was ridiculous to cry over a dog. How hurtful! I resigned immediately from that role and am thankful that I now work in an environment where it's OK to show how you feel :)
x
Oh grief. When our first dog as a couple died, we cried so much that night, it was like we lost a child. They're not just pets, they're part of the family.
Oh Sarah, my heart aches for you as I read that. I'm so very sorry for your loss hon.
Holding your hand.
(When can we catch up again in the flesh, one day? Please let me know whenever you zoom across to Sydney next.)
XX
Lovely reflections...if people stopped focussing so much on moving on from loss or thinking they needed to 'go through' stages we might be a little kinder to ourselves when loss happens (any type of loss not just the big D one)...its important to show our kids that we can stop and talk and share about what loss means and that resilience is not about getting over it its about bouncing back when we are ready - not a moment before x
I am so sorry to hear about your loss! You are grieving in all the right ways--I hope you find lasting peace in the days and weeks to come.
thanks for sharing your words of wisdom, i'll keep them near to my heart - and now off to give my kitkat extra squeezes!
Well said. It doesn't matter if you are grieving the loss of a family pet, a child, or a relationship... you still go through all the different levels of emotion and it can be unpredictable. You definitely cannot 'delete' like you said. It is there and will hurt until you work through it. It can be a long grueling process, but it eventually gets better.
I'm sorry to hear about your kitty! Hope you are doing well.
Lauren
This post really resonates with me. Our kitty died almost 2 years ago after being hit by a car and it still makes me very sad.
Also this:
"Grief is a reminder not only of our current loss, but the ones we’ve endured previously."
Replace brother with sister, Auntie with Uncle...
Very wise and lovely post Sarah <3
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